The Elephant in the Room

I am speaking of the dreaded WHITE ELEPHANT GIFT EXCHANGE which rears its ugly trunk every year at this time.

The White Elephant Gift Exchange, or WEGE for short, takes anarchy out of politics and puts it where it belongs: right smack in the middle of the holidays. For those of you not familiar with this custom, allow me to elucidate.

Participants in the WEGE will bring a wrapped present, of superfluous and irrelevant nature, to the gathering - usually at the workplace - where this Battle of the Bows will occur. They will receive a number. When all the booty has been collected, a number is drawn. Whoever has that number gets first choice of the WEGE gifts. They unwrap their choice, to a response of either oohs and ahs or outright guffaws, since one of the guidelines for WEGE shopping is that the more humorous the item, the better. This can get dicey since one person's idea of a humorous holiday gift may not be appreciated by another.

But, onward with the fun! The next number is drawn, and the holder chooses a gift. Now the gloves come off: if person #1 likes person #2's gift better, they promptly rip it out of person #2's hands and shove their #1 gift in their face. Repeat until all the gifts are retrieved, and allow to continue until everyone is equally annoyed. Doesn't that just warm the cockles of your heart?

There is usually a $5 spending cap on WEGE items, which is a good thing. It's hard to justify shopping for a unisex borderline obscene holiday gift when you have a sneaking suspicion that whoever ends up with it does so with deep-seated resentment. But, be of good cheer! If you find yourself the owner of a coffee cup shaped like a human kidney, or a plastic donkey that excretes jelly beans out of its butt, remember: The next White Elephant Gift Exchange is only 12 months away...